Unapologetically Molly.

My friend once told me, that what she liked about me was that I was so, "Unapologetically Molly".

At first this made me feel really good about myself.  Then I thought about all the times I had hung out with her.  I was usually shit faced drunk, doing cocaine and hitting on every guy I thought was hot.  "This was me covered in my blanket of confidence", I thought to myself.  This was me in my I don't give a fuck, black out drunk and carefree state of mind.  Then I thought about it a little longer and realized she was talking about the Molly that would drink everyday.  So then I found myself missing Yllom (my drunk alternate self) because SHE is who everybody misses and loves.  Then I started to think about it and ask myself, "What does she mean by unapologetically Molly?"  

What I now see is she was talking about the over sexual, risky behavior, drug seeking woman I had become.  How did I get here?  Why did I have such a need for drugs and SEX?  Why was I acting like a slut?  A whore?  Like a girl that didn't give a fuck about her body?

I remember I was arguing with an ex boyfriend years and years ago.  I remember feeling jealous that he had been talking to another girl.  I remember how awful it felt to feel jealous.  Jealousy is one of the worst feelings we posses as humans; in my opinion.  I remember leaving the argument to go cool off and I can clearly remember me vowing to myself to NEVER be jealous again.  I remember saying to myself, "I'm never going to give a fuck about if my boyfriend or guy I'm dating, looks at or talks to another girl."  I hated feeling jealous; so much that I decided to NEVER feel it again.  

Of course I felt jealousy again.  But it happened less and less frequently.  What I did was, I adopted being a "man" about it.  Let me try and explain.  I wanted to embody what I thought men felt about women.  At the time, I thought men just want to look at women, to kiss women and to fuck them; basically women are just sexual objects to men.  This is what I thought.  This is what I have carried with me for the past 15 years.  Women are just bodies for men to play with.

SO what I did was I decided to look at men as sexual objects to just play with.  I got into a horrible relationship with men.  I decided I wasn't going to let men run my world.  In order to protect myself I would make sure to cheat on them before they cheated on me.  I decided I would beat them to the inevitable punch of, "MEN CHEAT ON WOMAN BECAUSE THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT US."  

I adopted this us (women) vs. them (men) attitude.  I believed we were two teams chosen to battle each other and to fight to the death.  The winner would be the one who cared less about the other.  I dehumanized men in my mind.  They are pigs.  I treated them like animals. I think this is what has prevented me from truly being vulnerable with a guy.  I let fear of getting hurt cloud my vision of men and truly seeing them for what they are; human beings.  

It's hard for me to forgive myself for how I've treated a lot of guys because, as a kid, I had great experiences with men.  My dad was a great dad.  He was caring, gentle, loved me and listened to me.  My brother is one of the SWEETEST guys I know, I call him the gentle giant.  Even in my adult life a couple of my ex's are some of the nicest guys I've ever met.  But for some reason, this thought of what men are and what made them masculine (to be cheaters and womanizers) stood above the men I had in my life.  

Then I dig little deeper.  I revisit memories I keep tucked away.  As I write, it starts to make more sense where my view of men comes from.  As a teenager loosing my virginity was not a good experience.  This is a story for another day.  I'm not ready to open that chapter.  I had a couple more bad experiences as a teenager that I think did more damage than I consciously realize.  As I'm writing this and reliving those experiences, I feel it.  I feel my heart start to race, my palms start to get sweaty and now I have a headache.  I'm being triggered by these memories.  Shame.  Shame is the word that comes to mind.  I feel shame when I think about these experiences.  I feel ashamed of myself.  I feel dirty, I feel lost and I feel lonely. 

Wow.  As I write I start to see why I treated men the way I have.  I see why I treated myself the way I have.  You see, I've ran SO FAR from my teenage self, that I don't even realize she needs healing.  I don't even realize that her voice is trying to tell me something.  I can't believe she still lives inside of this 29 year olds body.  I can't believe I ran from her for so long.  I can see her.  Its like I'm watching her from above.  I can play out each scenario in my head, like it all happened to someone else.  

This is pain.  This is reliving the shit we all run from.  This is me sitting with it.

SO why did I want to become a "man"?  I think it was me trying to bury the wounds of my younger self.  It was me trying to embody the very thing that hurt me.  That is my defense mechanism.  All I wanted was to be in control.  But what happened was, this persona I adopted, ended up holding me down.  It has kept me small and quiet and lacking in real connections.  

I feel guilt for how I've treated a lot of good guys out there.  I feel sad for making them think that woman are all cheaters, liars and selfish.  All I did was perpetuate the very thing that I was trying to run from.  I scared men away from me.  I made fun of them, I told them that they weren't good enough, I told them they weren't what I wanted and I told them I didn't need them.  What I was really saying is, "I'm not what I want, I'm not good enough, I do need someone."  But the truth is I was scared they would hurt me.  I was scared they would hurt me like I had been hurt before.  I was just...scared.  Fear was my driving force.  Fear makes me crazy.

So what did I do?  In my mind I became a "man" when it came to sex and my body.  But looking back, what I really did was become the very thing that I hated men for.  I was sexually driven, only cared about peoples bodies and didn't have to tap into any sort of emotional attachment.  I became what I thought men wanted.  I was slutty, promiscuous, sexual adventurous and handed my body out easily.  I had convinced myself that I was "one of the guys".  My motto became, "I TREAT MEN LIKE SHIT BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEM".  

I pushed away the very thing I needed most; connection.  I can count on one hand the amount of intimate experiences I've had with men that involve mind and body connection.  UGH it's so sad!  I LOVE CONNECTION.  I can't help but hate myself for being so LOST.  I feel so much sadness and anxiety about writing all of this.  I'm trying to self talk and say things like, "It's okay Molly.  You are wounded.  You see now.  You are enough.  The past is the past.  Try and sit with this and realize you didn't know yet.  You didn't know your worth.  But now you see it."  

That helped a little.  

But I still see it.  I still see the words SLUT, WHORE AND STUPID BITCH branded in my brain.  I still see that lost little soul wondering the halls in high school, feeling so embarrassed and ashamed.  

I still see it.  I still see Yllom wondering the streets at night, hopping from bar to bar, hoping to meet someone that finally see's me.  They saw me alright.  They saw my "open mind"; open legs is more like it.  

It makes me giggle a little bit.  To see how much I SEE now.  To really look at myself and the shit I've done.  To acknowledge it.  To break it down and to fucking OWN IT.  

FUCK!  I was such a FUCKING SLUTTY, LONELY, MEAN SPIRITED, DRUNK, FUCKED UP BITCH.  

It's okay Molly.  I'm picturing myself petting me like a cat.  Running my hand from my head down my back, to my tail.  It's okay Molly.  Own it.  This story is a part of you, but it doesn't own you.  YOU OWN YOU.  Remember MOM: ME OWNING MYSELF.

Okay, I got it.  I am beautiful and I've done shitty things.  I'm not a slut, I've done slutty things.  These things don't define me.  They are scenarios I've experienced, not my truth.  Okay I'll say it again: I am beautiful, I own myself, and I've done shitty things.