I know for me, being with and loving one person has never felt right.  As soon as I would commit to being in a relationship with someone I’d immediately put all of these expectations and restrictions on myself.  No sex outside the relationship was assumed without even having a conversation about it.  Sex was meant for two people in a monogamous relationship because this is what you do when you love someone and they love you.  I felt guilty flirting with other people because it could potentially lead to an argument with my partner or worse, cheating.  In most of these relationships I would allow myself to kiss other people while drunk.  I never asked my partners how they felt about it, I would just do it because I needed it.  I wanted that new and exciting feeling when touching someone for the first time.  It was exhilarating and it made me feel sexy.  It left me feeling so good about myself until the alcohol wore off and I knew I’d have to look my partner in the eyes and tell them I love them and try to convince them of how “good” I was.  I rarely had the courage to tell them.

I look down the staircase and he’s walking up.  My heart starts to flutter.  Our eyes meet.  I can tell he feels the electricity too.  I know he wants this as much as I do.  We’re now standing facing each other, beers in hand, our friends, boyfriend and girlfriend standing right behind the door to my left.  I feel this warmth and aching in my vagina.  I want his lips on mine so badly.  We’re drunkenly discussing how we feel about each other and how wrong it is. We want so badly to not have these feelings for each other.  We want so badly to just be “good”.  Our heads lean in closer and closer to each other till finally our lips touch.  His lips are so soft.  He tastes like beer and cigarettes.  My body collapses into his and our tongues are now playing.  I want him so badly.  Maybe it’s because this is wrong and we are being sneaky.  Maybe I’m just a terrible person and this is what terrible people do.  

This is how I used to think about myself in regards to sex and relationships.  I’m broken.  There is something inherently wrong with me because I don’t want to be with one person.  I’ve started changing my whole world by unlearning all of the thoughts about love that I’ve picked up along the way; all the movies, TV shows, and family members that all commit to a monogamous marriage and live a life that hopefully works for them.  This has never felt right to me.  Being with one person for the rest of my life has never once sounded realistic in my world.  I love love.  I love being loved, I love giving love, I love fucking love.  That’s a lot of pressure to put on one person; to fulfill every single one of their partners wants and desires.  I’m reading “The Ethical Slut” by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton and I have never felt more understood.  They advocate for all sorts of different types of relationships and how to love.  They support the endless possibilities that multiple partners can show you.

Him:  “You did what?!”  “You kissed him?!”

Me:  “Yes...I did.  I’m so sorry.  It’ll never happen again I promise!  I love you and only you.  I will prove to you by showing you.  I will never look or touch another man.  I will reserve my body and my heart for you and only you.”   

Sound familiar?  I can almost guarantee most of us have had this conversation at least once in our lives.  When those words left my mouth I knew they were lies.  All fucking lies.  Why do I need to say this?  Why are these the only words leaving my mouth?  Why can’t I say what I really want to say?  

Me:  “Yes.  I did kiss him because I wanted to.  I feel a connection to him.  I want to apologize for not being more honest with you about my feelings for him and other people.  This doesn't mean I love you any less.  This is what I inherently feel deep in my body, to the core of who I am.  I want to be with multiple people.  I want to explore other peoples bodies and learn from their life experiences.  I would love to have an open and honest conversation with you about our feelings and what we want a loving and respectful relationship to look like.  If our morals, wants and desires do not align then maybe we need to take a step back and really ask ourselves if this is a relationship we want to be in.”  

This.  This is what I wanted to say to all of my past partners.  This is what my aching heart wanted so badly to express; to be seen and heard.  

Love and sex have never felt so good.  Dating in my 30’s has been a completely different experience than my teens and 20’s.  After being in an abusive relationship I learned that I needed to get really clear with myself about who I am.  I was finally forced to fight for myself.  I had to claw my way out of this fucking deep dark hole I had dug for myself years and years ago.  Way back to that first time I had sex.  Where I was taken advantage of and hurt so deep to my core than I never let love in.  I was sure I’d die that way.  Never once feeling any of it.  I was so set on numbing and forgetting that I left myself there.  Till one day I was sitting on the edge of my bed with a newborn baby while being called a bitch and a slut.  Something inside me burst.  The hole I had been hiding in finally filled with so much tears and pain that it overflowed and I was washed ashore.  I fought and I stayed sober through some of the hardest years of my life.  I knew if I could do this, I could do anything.

So that’s what I’m doing.  I’m doing all of the things I’ve always wanted to do.  I’m living a sex positive, free love life.  I am open and honest with my partners.  I give them all the information about who I am, what I like and what I need.  They’re then able to make an informed decision whether or not I’m someone they want to pursue a relationship with based on facts, honesty, truth and love.  

I love my body and the way I feel inside and out.  I’m older, my body isn’t what it used to be, but I’m strong and I know what I want and I’m not afraid to ask for it.  I’m gaining back all the power I had lost.  I’m discovering who I am all over again.  I have a new and healthier outlook on my life and what I want it to look like.  I live for all the changes and the shit thrown my way.  I don’t want conventional.  I want excitement and passion.  I want fluidity and freedom.

I love to love. I love to fuck. I fuck to love and I fuck to fuck.