Who watches porn?!  You better believe my hand is raised.  I’ve been watching porn ever since it became readily available on the internet.  There is no doubt in my mind that it has shaped my relationship with sex and with myself.  I believe porn has many benefits.  Such as, creating visuals of common fantasies for all of us to witness and enjoy ourselves to, The never ending role play about sleeping with your step mom or step dad, You can watch a dominatrix whip a man shackled to a wall with womens pantyhose stuffed into his mouth.  Porn has it all.    

But what porn has also taught us is how to treat one another in the bedroom.  It can be confusing and hard to separate this magical world of hardcore fantasy to actual reality.  What is sex actually like in the real world?  What does it mean to each one of us?  We have tons of influence around us that shapes our beliefs about sex.  Through our families, the media, our friends and the internet.  

How can we use porn to elevate our sexual selves not only when we’re by ourselves hunkered down in the solitude of our own room, but bring forth into our person to person connections.  

Let’s break down what porn portrays as sex.  For me, as a woman, porn seems to focus a ton on male pleasure.  Boys don’t run away just yet.  Hear me out.  There isn’t a ton of porn that gives you information on lady parts and how they actually work.  Women get “wrecked”.  Their holes get unbelievably penetrated over and over by well endowed men who overpowers the porn actress.  The woman is screaming in pleasure/pain.  She’s usually portrayed as very innocent, young and dumb, and/or super slutty and bratty.  Don’t get me wrong, there is tons of different porn out there these days that have all sorts of dynamics and show a much more intimate side to sex. With OnlyFans and other similar platforms it’s given everyone a chance to put out whatever kind of adult content they want! But I think we can all agree the majority of porn is pretty devoid of any real connection, or maybe this is just me. I’m guilty of putting this type of content out into the world myself. 

Let me state this again, I LOVE PORN!  I have gone through many phases of porn addiction and preferring porn over real life intimacy.  It’s so exciting and there’s so many different people and positions and scenarios to watch at any given time.  Lately, however, I’ve been finding it really hard to find porn I actually enjoy.  I’m pretty sick of seeing young girls get ravaged by huge men while saying the same things over and over again.  “Yes give it to me daddy, fuck me harder, cum in my ass and slap me with your cock!”  I bet you all felt a little tingle down below.  I did too when writing that.  

I’d like to talk about reality now.  What actually turns a woman on in the real world?  

Many of us can agree that this is a very complicated question.  Women have a rap for being complicated creatures.  I know I am.  In my experience as a human I can safely say that not all women want to get wrecked and destroyed by a huge cock every day of their waking life.  On the flip side, not all men want to be the ones to take charge of every sexual experience with their partner/partners.  Both men and women crave different ways of connecting and their needs and wants can change day to day, week to week.  

So how do we separate PORN vs. REALITY?  I think the only way is actual blunt and honest communication.  I’ve run into these problems in many of my relationships.  It can be hard to voice to my partner/partners what I want during sex and sex outside of the bedroom.  When I say sex outside the bedroom, I truly believe sex starts outside of the bedroom.  It’s when you first meet someone for coffee and shake hands or hug one another.  Some of us are hand shakers and some of us are huggers and some of us are cheek kissers.  Whatever your preferred way of introduction, this first moment can be spectacular.  And for those of us who are in long term monogamous or non-monogamous relationships, your sex outside the bedroom may look like this:  Are both of you helping keep the house clean?  Do both of you share equal responsibility for household and parent duties?  This can turn a woman off completely if she feels overworked and the distribution of general life duties are unbalanced.  For the remainder of this blog post I’ll be speaking to people who are still dating and/or looking for a partner.  However, a lot of this can be applied to long term relationships as well.  

In porn, you may see two people meeting for the first time.  Within minutes they’re ripping each other's clothes off with great haste.  This may happen in reality but the majority of the time, probably not.  This may cloud a lot of our experiences when dating.  If you’re going out on a date with the intention to fuck in the bathroom after a 20 minute conversation, you better let that person know ahead of time so that you can both agree, or decide not to meet.  I’ve personally in my adult years taken a much more direct approach to dating.  I let the potential date know exactly what I’m looking for.  I like a certain cock length, I don’t like texting a ton and I don’t like talking for hours before meeting.  I prefer to meet someone face to face very quickly because this is how I know if there is a connection or not. I have a hard time feeling someone’s energy over text.

So what do women actually want in regards to intimacy and sex?  I can’t answer for all women, but I can talk from my own personal wants and needs.  

I believe a woman's wants change over the course of her life.  Young adult girls will want something completely different than a single mom in her 30’s, ahem.  

How to step away from PORN and enter into REALITY.  Follow these simple steps and you should have a pretty good idea where your lady is at:

1. Communication is key - Ask her tons of questions about herself and practice active listening.  Active listening is when you’re fully engaged in the conversation.  You’re repeating things she has said to you back to her and asking follow up questions.  This helps her feel safe and listened to.  This is, in my opinion, the first step to SEX.  Women are emotional beings and getting in touch with your emotions and feelings can be a huge turn on.  Also being able to communicate your own thoughts and feelings is incredibly sexy.  Not only are you being vulnerable with her, but you’re also showing an incredible amount of strength in character in knowing who you are.

2. Body language- Pay close attention to her body language.  Does she seem comfortable?  Is she making eye contact with you?  Is she smiling or playfully touching you?  If she seems scared or uncomfortable, that is where communication comes back into play.  Ask her if she’s comfortable with you or if there is anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable.  You can also offer to end the date completely and there would be no hard feelings.  

3. If the date is going well and you’re going to be more intimate with one another, here is a very simple thing you can do-  Offer her a platonic massage.  I repeat PLATONIC MASSAGE.  Massage her for as long as you want without touching any of her sexual parts.  NO breast touching, NO butt touching, NO kissing, NO grazing her ass crack or pussy lips.  Just touch her feet, hands, in between her shoulders, backs of her legs, her neck.  This will go a long way.  She may get so turned on and things could become more intimate, or she may want to call it a night and plan for a second date.  Whatever the outcome, just giving someone physical touch without the intention of receiving anything in return is one of the biggest turn ons to me.  It makes me feel cared for and safe, which makes me trust, which ultimately leads to me wanting to have sex with this person.  It’s not a sure thing everytime, but it’s a great place to start.

4. Lastly, I think this is as important as number 1 is, ask yourself what you want in a partner.  Do you want someone who craves to get fucked hard after 20 minutes of conversation, or do you want someone who genuinely wants to know you as a person before sleeping together?  And it’s perfectly fine to want a combination of both!  Whatever you want in a partner, you must become the thing that you want.  Because you attract what you are putting out.  “Why do I always get my heart broken?  Am I too nice?  Should I be more of a douchebag?  That seems to be what women want.”  If you believe this narrative, then this story will be your reality.  Become solid in who you are and what you are, you will most likely attract someone else who is solid in who they are, and maybe you’ll find someone that compliments your life and vice versa.  

Being fluid and letting go of expectations has changed my dating life.  I never go into something expecting anything from anyone.  I know who I am and what I want, so if the other person doesn’t resonate with it, then so be it.  There are tons of other potential connections out in the world for each one of us.  It’s not your job to convince someone of your greatness and it’s not their job to change to make you more comfortable.  And yes I understand my experience will be much different than yours given that I’m a female, but all of these points can be used from the female perspective as well. 

In my dating life I have made quite a few men uncomfortable with my forwardness.  I’ve had a guy make up an excuse and left the date after only 30 minutes of conversation.  I admittedly knew we weren’t a match so I got pretty vulgar fairly quickly.  What did I say?  Fine I’ll tell ya.  I told him one of my kinks was to get objectified and fucked like a fuckdoll from time to time.  I think it freaked him out a bit… But again, it isn’t my job to make myself smaller or more meek to help him feel more comfortable.  It’s my job to show up as I am so that neither of us waste time pretending to be something we’re not.    

So how to separate PORN and REALITY.  Maybe watch a little less porn OR watch porn that is more in alignment with who you are and what you want to attract.  Not all men want to be in control of all sexual experiences, not all woman want to be wrecked and over powered.  But how are you going to find out what your partner wants and desires?  Ask.  Be a student of this person's life and be engaged in the conversation.  Be curious, be open minded and try not to put any of your own trauma and expectations onto anyone else.  You will make much more meaningful connections this way.  You will learn so much more about yourself than ever before and you will most likely have some of the BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE!  Because she feels safe and so will you.      

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