WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE AND ADULT CONTENT. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
There is this look men give me. This look I’ve seen many times before. There have been a handful of times where this look left a lasting mark on my skin. I couldn’t escape the feeling their eyes gave me. Let’s rewind for a second, I want to tell a little story.
I had a good friend named Jason. Jason worked in the porn industry. He’d say things like, “You gotta do whatcha gotta do to make money in Los Angeles.” I loved hearing about his stories working on porn sets. Some stories were hilarious and others were just plain wrong. Nevertheless, I found all his experiences to be so fascinating. Jason knew how much I loved hearing about his life, so he did what any good friend would do, he invited me to be an extra on one of his porn shoots. No, he was not inviting me to get penetrated on camera, though that thought may have crossed his mind, this particular shoot was for a wrestling match. The whole concept of the scene was two male porn stars would have a professional wrestling match and the loser had to have sex with the ugly chick and the winner got to have sex with the hot chick. Jason asked me if I wanted to be one of the audience members cheering the wrestlers on as they beat each other to death. My heart started to race. Of course I wanted to go, I love porn, so naturally I agreed to be an audience member. I felt honored by his invitation.
I get to the set and it’s set up in a warehouse. There are cameras and lights everywhere. The lights were so bright you could see everything and I mean everything. I see a few guys dressed in wrestling shorts and a few females in sexy bikinis, who I assume are the porn stars, all chatting together like they’re in some sort of cool kids club. I wanted to be in their club. They’re all so confident and pretty. Here I am wearing jean shorts and a white top. I look so boring compared to the porn stars. I feel so out of place. Then enters the “ugly” chick that the loser of the wrestling match has to have sex with. I say “ugly” with parentheses because she was still beautiful. She stood about 6 feet tall in her 4 inch heels, had long black perfectly wavy hair, big fake breasts and dark sultry eyes. Basically she looked like the perfect porn star. She is dressed in fake leather lingerie looking like a dominatrix. If I remember correctly, I think she had a whip in her hand.
I glanced around at the other “audience members”. Most of them are males dressed in black hoodies and hats. You know the type, they have tattoos on their arms and legs and drive lifted trucks that filled the parking lot. The other females who are audience members are other porn stars, probably there for moral support or because they have a porn shoot after this one, I’m not sure.
I’m sitting in a chair watching everyone getting ready. I feel like a little kid waiting for her mom at the hair salon. I’m fiddling with my phone and picking at my nails. The male porn stars are hitting a punching bag and talking shit to each other, getting ready to kick each other’s asses in the ring. One of the female porn stars comes and sits next to me. She’s Latina with long brown hair, super short and petite, and really beautiful. I learn she’s only 18 years old. I’m so curious about why such a young girl is working in porn, so I ask her, “Why do you do this?” She goes on to tell me that this is only her second week as a porn star and how much she loves it. The money is easy and she doesn’t mind having sex on camera. She has this I don’t give a fuck attitude and a confidence about her that I definitely didn’t have when I was 18 years old. I can’t help but feel like she’s much older and wiser than me. She makes me question my own morals and values. I’ve had sex with plenty of people, I can’t help but think about how rich I would be if I had been paid money for each of those encounters. I look at her and think, “Okay cool, she’s doing her thing.”
One of the other female porn stars, blond and wearing a cheetah print thong bikini, walks up to us and looks me up and down and says something along the lines of, “You can’t wait to watch me get fucked.” Her eyes look vacant, like she’s drunk or on drugs. This is definitely not her second week, I thought to myself. I smile and awkwardly nod at her, trying not to look like a total square and that I’m totally freaked out by what she had just said to me. I froze. I couldn’t think of any words to say. My face started feeling hot. I felt like the new kid at school being interrogated by the popular girl. Just as I was about to stop choking on my words, the blond bombshell then ran over to one of the guys in a black hoodie and wraps her arms around him and gives him a big kiss. I was relieved I didn’t have to continue that conversation. Jason later told me that that was her boyfriend who is also a porn star. He was there to be an audience member and watch the wrestling match, but would leave once it was time for his girlfriend to have sex with the winner. Jason also told me that this couple had an agreement, she doesn’t have anal sex with anyone but him. I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall when those two sat down to dinner at a fancy restaurant and agreed that her anal sphincter was only for him, and him only; how romantic.
The young porn star I was chatting with had to go get her makeup done, so I was left sitting all alone, just taking in the whole scene. Then, out of the only shadow in the room, one of the guys in a black hoodie and hat starts walking towards me. He had this look in his eyes. It was different from any look I’ve ever gotten. He looked hungry, like I was a steak and he hadn’t eaten in days. I glance around to see if Jason was nearby. He’s a few feet away fiddling with some camera equipment. This hooded man is now standing right in front of me, way too close for comfort, with his crotch at my eye level because I’m sitting in a chair. My eyes travel up his body, tracing over his black hoodie which had a Volcom logo across the chest. Our eyes meet. His nostrils are flaring, his piercing, almost translucent, blue eyes look right into my soul. “I can’t wait to watch you get fucked,” he said with a smirk. I gasped so loud that Jason heard and quickly came over and told the guy that I was his friend and I was there only as an audience member. I’ve never seen a man look so guilty. He looked like a little boy who’s extremely conservative mother just got caught with his pants down. His eyes softened and his head dropped down like a guilty puppy who is getting scorned for getting into the trash again.
I couldn’t believe how violated I felt when he said that to me. I mean, given my surroundings that day, was it much of a surprise? I knew I shouldn't feel offended or take it personally, but it got me thinking, “Are these girls okay with being talked to like this?” “Are they okay with being looked at as objects that are only here to get ‘fucked’? I had never felt this way before. A piece of me died that day when that man said that to me. He couldn’t wait to watch me get fucked. The words kept echoing in my head, like this is all I am, a piece of nothing about to get fucked.
My heart sank. I couldn’t help but feel really bad for these girls. They're all so beautiful and they should be treated with respect. They told me they don’t mind the work and that it’s good money, but is it worth it? I can’t imagine being looked at and talked to like that everyday. Wait, I do get looked at and talked to like that everyday. I hadn’t noticed it before. It used to make me feel wanted and loved. But nowadays it just makes me want to vomit. I’m not just a body that gets fucked. This environment, this porn set I’m sitting in, brings up a lot of my insecurities about what I feel like as a woman and as a human. I admire these women for being able to do what they do, but I hate the way these men are treating them. I hate the way that man treated me. I deserve to be treated with respect.
These feelings were quickly stuffed down into my problems for tomorrow. The excitement of the porn set outweighed my want for quiet introspection. I shook my head and began soaking in my surroundings once again. Naked girls and guys with huge dicks walking around with not a care in the world. It was like a circus in that room; a big breasted, big dicked, sexy body circus.
Fast forward, the wrestling match is about to begin. They usher the audience members around the ring. The director encourages us to yell and scream as much as we want. The two male porn stars step into the ring. One is substantially bigger than the other. The bell rings and the fight begins. These guys are full on wrestling. I thought maybe they’d fake wrestle but they didn’t hold back. There’s blood and sweat everywhere, and the audience members are screaming with delight. Not surprising, the bigger guy wins and it’s time to set up for the sex scenes. The winner gets to have sex with the young 18 year old I had talked about earlier and the loser was put into a tiny room with the “ugly” chick. The winning wrestler was huge. I mean his shoulders and body were gigantic! He had muscles on top of muscles, ON TOP of other muscles, this dude was bulging. The young porn star looked mini compared to him, like he could break her in half with one thrust. A little side note, this guy had requested she not shower before the shoot incase he won. I guess he wanted his prize to smell natural??
The winning couples sex scene takes place in the ring where the two guys had just finished their fight. Some of the audience members go outside to smoke cigarettes, while a few of us decided to stay and watch the show. The young girl is now on top of the huge man, riding him, surrounded by blood, sweat and maybe some tears. Jason is in the ring with them, videotaping the scene. He has to get all up in their business. He moves the camera close to her vagina and all around her breasts. The bright lights and camera equipment everywhere made it feel extremely impersonal. It looked like two people doing their job. Not much love or intimacy going on here. All of a sudden the wrestler says, “Cut!” I guess he was having a hard time keeping, well, hard. He looks directly at me from in the ring and points at me and says something to Jason. Jason puts his camera down and walks over to me.
“He wants you to sit closer to the ring so he can see you better.” “Wait what? He wants to-to-to look at me while he is performing in a porn scene?”, I stutter. Jason says it’s okay if I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Without thinking I scream, “Hell yeah I’ll do it!” So we move my folding chair closer to the ring and the huge guy continues to look at me while he is having sex with his “prize”. He just stared at me. He looked like a big, crazy eyed giant. He had that same look the other guy with the black hoodie and hat had given me earlier in the day. Only this time I didn’t feel so violated. I felt special. Like he chose me. Also, he was basically in a cage in the middle of the ring and I was a spectator watching the animals do what animals do. Remember how I mentioned this guy didn’t want his “prize” to take a shower before their sex scene? Now that I was sitting closer to them, I could smell her. I could smell her sweat and nether regions. At one point during their scene she was bragging about how she didn’t need any lube for anal sex. Wow, these people are a different species, I thought to myself.
The scene ends the way a porn scene usually ends, I’ll leave this to your imagination, they shake hands and that’s a wrap. I’m just kidding, they didn’t shake hands. The big giant asked the 18 year old if she wanted to go on a date with him afterward and ride on his motorcycle. She awkwardly declined. Why do they need to go on a date? They already did what dates lead to. At the time I couldn’t imagine what it was like to have sex with so many people, on such an impersonal level, and still like sex. Sex becomes a job, it’s their job to have sex all the time. I know for me, working in restaurants makes me not want to eat out as much. I wonder if it’s the same for porn stars.
I wait around for Jason to wrap up the shoot. We are finally in the car on our way home. We talk about the day and how exciting I thought it all was. Being on set and getting lost in the moment, I didn’t realize how fast my heart was pumping. My adrenaline was flowing through my veins, it was like being on drugs on that set. Naked bodies everywhere, testosterone from all the wrestling and the smell of sex thick in the air. This was a great experience for me. I got to see what happens on a somewhat professional porn set and I got to see what it was like to be a porn star. You only live once right?
I’d like to say that I don’t judge porn stars or strippers for their profession because honestly, they’re just doing what I do, but they get paid to do it, haha joking, sort of. All girls, we’ll maybe not all, but a lot of girls have played around with the idea of becoming a stripper or a porn star. The most common reason is, it would be easy to use your body to make money. Men want sex all the time. What better way to make money than to give men what they want? That’s why I think strip clubs and porn are important. They provide a service that men AND women want. I don’t judge women for making money with their bodies. They are doing what they have to do to survive. Isn’t prostitution (making money with your body) one of the oldest professions?
Writing about this experience gets me thinking. I felt offended by how that guy in the black hoodie treated me, but felt special when the muscular giant in a cage gave me that same look. A lot of my past, unhealthy, experiences with men and sex come boiling to the surface. Most of these experiences I’ve had involved drugs and alcohol. Alcohol gave me a false sense of confidence when it came to sex. When I was drunk, I became someone else, this very adventurous and provocative person. Now that I’m sober, I have no idea who I am when it comes to sex and intimacy. I feel a bit lost these days. I feel a bit old and rusty. Having a baby changed everything. My body is completely foreign to me. I’m embarrassed of my breasts and how I look naked.
Reflecting on this story helps me see how everything about my life has changed. This experience feels like a lifetime ago. Like who was that girl sitting there on a porn set? It wasn’t me. I’m a responsible mom now, with responsibilities and duties. I don’t get to galavant around anymore. I don’t know those porn stars intimately, all I can take away from them is the lasting impression they left on me and my soul. The fact that these women were so open with their sexuality was empowering. I want to know deep in my soul that I am beautiful, and I can be open with my sexuality and be confident in my decision making and feel sexy in my body. I can still have fun and be a mom. I can still live a full and adventurous life.
I’m not going to run off and get a boob job and join the sexy circus. However, I am exploring who I truly am, inside and out, which honestly feels a lot like I’m at a circus. I’m working on making peace with being a mother and my new motherly physic. I’m making peace with my sobriety and I’m trying not to be so goddamn hard on myself. I’m standing in the ring facing myself, getting ready to kick my ass into the next chapter of my life. It’s not going to be a fake wrestling match, it’s going to be fucking real and there is going to be blood, sweat and lots of tears. I’m not sure what my prize will be at the end of all of this, but I hope it’s beautiful.