loveyourself

OM No, Another #MeToo

OM No, Another #MeToo

I woke up in the middle of the night to someone having sex with me. I felt so disoriented and for a moment I had forgotten where I was and who I was with. I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move. I thought maybe I was dreaming.

Fill Myspace with Meaningless Sex

Fill Myspace with Meaningless Sex

I was so nervous to meet Nick.  It took me hours to get ready. I was super insecure about my body.  I thought my breasts were too small. I thought my hair was ugly. I hated my hands and my big toes.  I wanted to cover everything up with make-up, a tight fitted dress and a long fitted coat. I even wore a hat and a wig to cover my short curly hair.  I tried everything to appear older than a 15 year old teenage girl.

The Dirt, the Grime, the Heart Ache, the Not Knowing, the Horror, the Angst, the Fear, It's All so Beautiful.

The Dirt, the Grime, the Heart Ache, the Not Knowing, the Horror, the Angst, the Fear, It's All so Beautiful.

Hello this is Officer.... that is all I hear.  

My vision shrinks to the size of a pinhole.  The sound that comes after sounds like a muffled horn.  I can’t feel my body, time slows down; it’s almost as if time doesn’t exist.  I'm standing on an empty highway, the air is thick with dew and fog, red and blue lights flashing in my peripheral.  In front of me there are two mangled cars. I'm surrounded by police officers; I can't hear anything anyone’s saying.   All I can feel is my heart thumping in my chest, filling my ears with such loud thuds it's almost nauseating. I feel condensation start to form on my palms from all the anxiety filling my chest.  

Feeling No Longer Dirty at 30 With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Feeling No Longer Dirty at 30 With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

I want to start off by saying that I can't stop crying.  I did it.  I'm 30 years old.  I've had a baby, I've finally figured out why I've been using drugs and treating myself and others the way I have for the past 15 years, and I faced the moment in my life that changed everything.  I had been refusing to think about, talk about or relive it since it happened.  

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game.

This was the night I lost my childlike view of the world.  This is the night I lost faith in others.  This is what sparked my hatred for men.  This is the night I first tried "alcohol" and this is the night I lost my virginity.  This is where my mess all began.  So if my mess is my message, then this is where my purpose lives.           

You know what's fucked up?  I think about this.  I think about this situation everytime I’m sober and alone.  When there is nowhere left for me to hide; I am here.  I am pressed up against the chain link fence, bra exposed, jeans pulled down around my ankles and consciousness fading in and out.  This is where I live when I’m alone.  My mind takes me back to that day.  My body follows and my sense of self starts to disappear.  

Stop, Put Down Your Phone and Be Afraid.

Stop, Put Down Your Phone and Be Afraid.

Stop, put down your phone and be afraid.

Something happened to me the other day.  Something clicked.  I felt release.  I released something that has been holding me down.  I realize me stressing about it and worrying about it was giving it power.  I was letting it win; win my life.  I want to take my life back.  I'm in control of my life.  I'm in control of my thoughts.  I'm in control of how I react in certain situations and I get to decide what makes me happy.  

Purposeful

Purposeful

Do you ever just look back at a time in your life and think, "Wow, I can't believe I let that happen to me" or "I can't believe I did that."  It almost feels like a dream, like it happened to someone else.  It's crazy what happens when you WAKE UP.  When you find a purpose; a reason, a reason to feel purposeful, a purposeful reason.  

I look back at her (me) and think, "Wow, you poor lost little soul."  Then I realize, "WOW!  I grew."  That's what I'm saying to myself.  That's the change I'm feeling; I grew into something.