traumasurvivor

OM No, Another #MeToo

OM No, Another #MeToo

I woke up in the middle of the night to someone having sex with me. I felt so disoriented and for a moment I had forgotten where I was and who I was with. I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move. I thought maybe I was dreaming.

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I should've known the second I woke up with half my head of hair missing.  

Tufts of locks blowing around the room like little tumbleweeds that you see in old western movies before the shootout scene commences.  I should’ve known this fuck up was warning me of the hard years ahead. “Run away”, the wind whispers, “Run away as fast as you can and never look back.”  The reality of what happened sinks in. I look in the mirror and I swear I look like Gollum from "Lord of the Rings”. As I looked in the mirror, at this stranger, I couldn’t remember a goddamn thing.  My mind starts racing.   “What the fuck happened?  Why did I do this to myself?”  I would later learn that, in a blackout rage, I had what some would call a mental breakdown.

This is my beautiful life.  I hate it sometimes, but it’s mine and I’m going to keep it. 

This is my beautiful life.  I hate it sometimes, but it’s mine and I’m going to keep it. 

I wanted to go back. I wanted to touch the grass where everything started to go to shit. That night when the air was so thick with fog, I could feel the dampness of the air in my lungs. That night I left myself there on the sun bleached grass that pricked my skin like little needles. The night I got lost forever. 

The Dirt, the Grime, the Heart Ache, the Not Knowing, the Horror, the Angst, the Fear, It's All so Beautiful.

The Dirt, the Grime, the Heart Ache, the Not Knowing, the Horror, the Angst, the Fear, It's All so Beautiful.

Hello this is Officer.... that is all I hear.  

My vision shrinks to the size of a pinhole.  The sound that comes after sounds like a muffled horn.  I can’t feel my body, time slows down; it’s almost as if time doesn’t exist.  I'm standing on an empty highway, the air is thick with dew and fog, red and blue lights flashing in my peripheral.  In front of me there are two mangled cars. I'm surrounded by police officers; I can't hear anything anyone’s saying.   All I can feel is my heart thumping in my chest, filling my ears with such loud thuds it's almost nauseating. I feel condensation start to form on my palms from all the anxiety filling my chest.  

Feeling No Longer Dirty at 30 With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Feeling No Longer Dirty at 30 With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

I want to start off by saying that I can't stop crying.  I did it.  I'm 30 years old.  I've had a baby, I've finally figured out why I've been using drugs and treating myself and others the way I have for the past 15 years, and I faced the moment in my life that changed everything.  I had been refusing to think about, talk about or relive it since it happened.  

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game.

This was the night I lost my childlike view of the world.  This is the night I lost faith in others.  This is what sparked my hatred for men.  This is the night I first tried "alcohol" and this is the night I lost my virginity.  This is where my mess all began.  So if my mess is my message, then this is where my purpose lives.           

You know what's fucked up?  I think about this.  I think about this situation everytime I’m sober and alone.  When there is nowhere left for me to hide; I am here.  I am pressed up against the chain link fence, bra exposed, jeans pulled down around my ankles and consciousness fading in and out.  This is where I live when I’m alone.  My mind takes me back to that day.  My body follows and my sense of self starts to disappear.