life

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I should've known the second I woke up with half my head of hair missing.  

Tufts of locks blowing around the room like little tumbleweeds that you see in old western movies before the shootout scene commences.  I should’ve known this fuck up was warning me of the hard years ahead. “Run away”, the wind whispers, “Run away as fast as you can and never look back.”  The reality of what happened sinks in. I look in the mirror and I swear I look like Gollum from "Lord of the Rings”. As I looked in the mirror, at this stranger, I couldn’t remember a goddamn thing.  My mind starts racing.   “What the fuck happened?  Why did I do this to myself?”  I would later learn that, in a blackout rage, I had what some would call a mental breakdown.

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game.

This was the night I lost my childlike view of the world.  This is the night I lost faith in others.  This is what sparked my hatred for men.  This is the night I first tried "alcohol" and this is the night I lost my virginity.  This is where my mess all began.  So if my mess is my message, then this is where my purpose lives.           

You know what's fucked up?  I think about this.  I think about this situation everytime I’m sober and alone.  When there is nowhere left for me to hide; I am here.  I am pressed up against the chain link fence, bra exposed, jeans pulled down around my ankles and consciousness fading in and out.  This is where I live when I’m alone.  My mind takes me back to that day.  My body follows and my sense of self starts to disappear.  

The AfterMETH

The AfterMETH

So I’m embarking on a journey of self realizing shit.  I ordered Mastin Kipp’s “Claim Your Power: A 40-Day Journey to Dissolve the Hidden Blocks That Keep You Stuck and Finally Thrive in Your Life’s Unique Purpose”.  It’s basically a 40 day self discovery class.  I’m only on day 8 and a big part of what he talks about is how our past traumas are the things that get in our way of truly living our purpose.  “Hell yeah”, I thought to myself.  I definitely have some past shit that has defined who I am today.  As I’m working through the pages of Mastin Kipp’s book I start to see.  I start to see how much pain I’ve been living in.  I start to see where it all began.  It’s becoming so clear.  It’s wild, why haven’t I sat down and dealt with any of this?  Maybe because I always felt that it was too painful to revisit?  Oh, I almost forgot, I’ve been drunk ever since.

Purposeful

Purposeful

Do you ever just look back at a time in your life and think, "Wow, I can't believe I let that happen to me" or "I can't believe I did that."  It almost feels like a dream, like it happened to someone else.  It's crazy what happens when you WAKE UP.  When you find a purpose; a reason, a reason to feel purposeful, a purposeful reason.  

I look back at her (me) and think, "Wow, you poor lost little soul."  Then I realize, "WOW!  I grew."  That's what I'm saying to myself.  That's the change I'm feeling; I grew into something.  

Story Time: Mind Expanding Drugs With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Story Time: Mind Expanding Drugs With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

It's frustrating reliving the past because I don't remember a lot of it.  There are so many lost minutes, hours, weeks and months.  Where was I?  What was I doing? Who was that person?

It started off feeling so mind expanding.  

Each time I took drugs like mushrooms, acid or ecstasy I felt such a deep connection to myself, to the people around me and to the earth as a whole.  As I look back at my life these past 15 years, I realize that I was chasing how I felt those first few times I took drugs.

New Years Revelation

New Years Revelation

I've never trusted myself to make New Years resolutions.  I think it's because I could never think of something I wanted to accomplish.  This year is different.  I guess you could say I had a REVELATION.  I want to write more.  I love writing.  I want to be vulnerable and put my writing out there.  I love writing about how I feel.  I like how it FEELS to write about how I FEEL. 

2017 was a tough year for me.  I started reading other peoples stories and how they overcame their hardships and what led them to finding the help they needed.  This really helped steer me in the right direction.  Without the words of total strangers, I would've felt so alone.  I think sharing our experiences is therapeutic.  Not only for ourselves, but it could help a total stranger through a tough time.