Purposeful.
Do you ever just look back at a time in your life and think, "Wow, I can't believe I let that happen to me" or "I can't believe I did that." It almost feels like a dream, like it happened to someone else. It's crazy what happens when you WAKE UP. When you find a purpose; a reason, a reason to feel purposeful, a purposeful reason.
I look back at her (me) and think, "Wow, you poor lost little soul." Then I realize, "WOW! I grew." That's what I'm saying to myself. That's the change I'm feeling; I grew into something.
I think that's what those disassociated feelings are. You don't even feel like the same person, like it happened to someone else.
It did happen to someone else. That person is no longer you. Never again will you make those same mistakes. Well, you will make mistakes but you don't have to be so hard on yourself for making them. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to fuck up. My new way is just to OWN it. Own my mistakes. Own it when I throw an unwarrented temper tantrum or when I say something hurtful. Owning my bad mouth and see how much it hurts others. Apologize and hope they forgive you. Apologizing is SO powerful. Being vulnerable and honest about your behavior is one of the most powerful things. When someone admits to me that they overreacted and that they are sorry; I love them. I feel so safe with them. I respect them SO MUCH.
You can't just love yourself when it's easy. When you show yourself compassion in your worst of moments, that is true self love. When you can forgive yourself after you totally embarrass yourself or when you make a bad decision, that is BEING love.
No longer will you be that PAST self. You get to be your NOW self. Holy shit, I am not that person. I am not that poor lost little soul. I'm now a big powerful searching soul. I'm purposeful. I have a reason to search and to feel big and powerful. I have a big heart on for myself.
I am a mom. I never thought in a million years that I would find purpose in becoming a mom. I had no direction, passion or goal. You could ask me, "What do you want to be?" I always drew a blank when asked this question. I would literally just see a white space. Nothingness.
My mom told me when I was a kid she asked me that question, "What do you want to be when you grow up Molly?" I answered, "I want to play outside." That answer still remains true to this day. If I could play outside and get paid to do that, I would. Maybe I will one day.
I couldn't believe it. It hit me the other day, my purpose, my daughter gave me purpose. I see why people want to have kids. It gives life a whole new meaning. The word life means something to me now. Before I had felt SO LOST all the time! I felt that life was just one big chemical reaction with no meaning. I felt our brains were just tricking us into thinking we're important, that we are special and we have meaning. I mean, I still kind of believe this, BUT I don't care! I think it's awesome that we have these amazing, difficult and strange brains that make us feel all sorts of emotions and feelings we can never truly put into words. I think it's cool that we have this sense of self and have all these wants and needs and desires. We are interesting as FUCK. I think it's beautiful.
I used to hate feelings. I felt I had too many of them so I would drown them out. I never wanted to feel them. They were too powerful and too many to keep in this little body of mine. I know I'm actually a pretty big woman, but I'm small considering the size of the universe.
Instead of this world seeming repetitive and meaningless, I now actually see it. When I look around it's SO BEAUTIFUL. Even all the shit is beautiful.
I was laying with my daughter Joey today in the grass by the beach and just felt it. I fucking felt it. I felt such amazing nothingness. Let me try and explain. I felt so much in such a simple moment. I was laying down on my back and I sat Joey on my hips and was looking up at her. There were palm trees behind her smiling face and the clearest blue sky. The sun was shining on her, the sun was shining on me. SUCH A SIMPLE MOMENT. SUCH NOTHINGNESS. I've never loved such nothingness.
Joey and the sun. Venice Beach. February 3, 2018.
I love simple. I'm going back to the basics. After stopping all the numbing I've been running from, I feel like a child seeing the world for the first time. I stop and watch the squirrel sitting on the gate eating a nut. He's making such a cute sound. This. This is so beautiful to me. I look up and crows are fighting in a palm tree, amazing. I look up and see an airplane flying in the sky carrying passengers to different parts of the world. Holy crap, this is all AMAZING.
I feel I look like a crazy person these days. Picture this, me singing and skipping down the street with Joey's stroller. I bet people think I use it to carry my belongings instead of an actual baby. Nope, just me and my babe smiling at each other and cruising along; talking to myself, talking to Joey and stopping to smell the roses and pet every dog.
I finally feel like I'm letting myself BE myself. I'm dressing how I want, usually comfortable with running shoes. I'm prancing, I'm humming, I'm floating, I'm gliding, I'm just groovin' these days.
This is what it must feel like to have a purpose. When you have a purpose, nothingness matters and EVERYTHING matters. I'm not saying get out there and have a kid, what I'm saying is purpose can mean anything to anyone! Purpose can be as simple as art. Do something that makes you feel full. I found writing. I love writing. I’m not perfect at it, but It makes me feel SO FULL.
To answer the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" My answer has to be: purposeful. I want to have purpose and meaning to my life. I want to find joy in the simple things; in the nothingness. I want to live each day with an open heart and an open mind. I don't want to do anything perfectly. Perfect isn't real. What is real is the sunshine, my daughters smile and my imperfections.
I found the art in purpose, I found the purpose of nothingness, and I found the beauty in all the shit.
I will leave you with this,
Get out there and go find your purpose you beautiful, shitty humans!