Stop, put down your phone and be afraid.
Something happened to me the other day. Something clicked. I felt release. I released something that has been holding me down. I realize me stressing about it and worrying about it was giving it power. I was letting it win; win my life. I want to take my life back. I'm in control of my life. I'm in control of my thoughts. I'm in control of how I react in certain situations and I get to decide what makes me happy.
The other day I was sitting with Joey on my bed and out of nowhere I felt my goofy sense of humor come back. I was talking to her in all sorts of different accents and jumping around like a crazy person. I stopped myself in the middle of it all and payed attention for a second. I looked at Joeys face; her eyes and smile were extra twinkly. I saw my reflection in her face, like I could see how my being my usual self was making her extra delighted by my presence.
Maybe I was finally seeing my presence. Maybe she's always had that smile and twinkle in her eye, I just stopped and noticed.
I'm finding these moments are happening more and more. It could be that I'm finally stepping out of my mommy fog. It could be that I'm reading all these self help books and how to take your power back and listening to how to be a vibrant and happy woman podcasts; it could be all of these things. They could all be working together in helping me feel this way.
But what's really crazy is how everything just keeps popping up when I need it. I'm noticing the patterns of life that are steering me in the right direction. Even when I'm feeling helpless and flustered, I can see it's importance. I see how fear can actually help lead me in the right direction.
"Be afraid" I tell myself.
It's crazy, I really like the tough times. They are challenging. They force me to figure out how to deal with them. I get to really focus on how to approach myself and how I want to be in tough situations. I want to be strong, I want to be confident, I want to be vulnerable and I want to listen. I want to grasp an entire situation and see it from all angles. I want to learn. I want to learn how to be okay when shit hits the fan. I want to be beautiful when covered in shit.
I don't want to feel comfortable and coast like I always have. I want to be afraid. I've always ran from fear. Maybe in order for me to change, I have to finally turn around and look fear right in its eyes. I have to be honest with myself and feel the things that have been holding me down.
I felt myself again the other day. I felt my playful self wake up. It's weird when these moments happen. It's like they appear out of nowhere! It's when I'm trying to let go and be happy that I'm usually not happy. It's weird... I have to let go. I have to let go of the idea of happiness and just let it come. It's always here. I don't have to try so hard to find it.
I do this with myself at least a couple times a day. I say to myself, "Stop self. Put down your phone and look up. Look up at the sky. Look at your daughter. Touch her face and smile at her. Feel her energy. Feel the energy all around you. Pay attention to the sounds you hear and sensations running through your body. You're alive. You are here. Happiness is everywhere. Now take a deep breath. Let it out. Okay we're back."
I was on the Expo line today (it’s so fast and amazing by the way) and I was looking at all the people sitting around me. Maybe 98% of them were on their phones and had headphones in and the other 2% were passed out. I had this urge to just stand up and yell, “HI EVERYONE! Stop for a second. Put down your phones. How are you? Look to the person sitting next to you and smile at them. Say hello and ask them how they are doing. Be here with me and all of these lovely strangers. Yup we are all alive. Isn't it beautiful?!”
Yeah, I wanted to do this, but of course that little voice in my head said, “Don’t.” So I didn’t. I did however put away my phone and look outside and smile at the other passengers. That felt good. Maybe next time I’ll find the strength in myself to address an entire train of people and dare them to be here. Maybe.
It's amazing how simply putting my phone away and looking around helps take me out of my head and back into my body and the now. I feel lighter and it feels easier to breathe. It's hard to remember to do this when shit hits the fan. I practice letting the fear and anxiety take over. I feel like shit for a little bit, but I always feel ten times better after.
So stop! It's okay to feel like shit. Put your phone down. Look up! Isn't it all just beautiful?