I woke up in the middle of the night to someone having sex with me. I felt so disoriented and for a moment I had forgotten where I was and who I was with. I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move. I thought maybe I was dreaming.
The Dirt, the Grime, the Heart Ache, the Not Knowing, the Horror, the Angst, the Fear, It's All so Beautiful.
Hello this is Officer.... that is all I hear.
My vision shrinks to the size of a pinhole. The sound that comes after sounds like a muffled horn. I can’t feel my body, time slows down; it’s almost as if time doesn’t exist. I'm standing on an empty highway, the air is thick with dew and fog, red and blue lights flashing in my peripheral. In front of me there are two mangled cars. I'm surrounded by police officers; I can't hear anything anyone’s saying. All I can feel is my heart thumping in my chest, filling my ears with such loud thuds it's almost nauseating. I feel condensation start to form on my palms from all the anxiety filling my chest.
Feeling No Longer Dirty at 30 With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
I want to start off by saying that I can't stop crying. I did it. I'm 30 years old. I've had a baby, I've finally figured out why I've been using drugs and treating myself and others the way I have for the past 15 years, and I faced the moment in my life that changed everything. I had been refusing to think about, talk about or relive it since it happened.
Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game.
This was the night I lost my childlike view of the world. This is the night I lost faith in others. This is what sparked my hatred for men. This is the night I first tried "alcohol" and this is the night I lost my virginity. This is where my mess all began. So if my mess is my message, then this is where my purpose lives.
You know what's fucked up? I think about this. I think about this situation everytime I’m sober and alone. When there is nowhere left for me to hide; I am here. I am pressed up against the chain link fence, bra exposed, jeans pulled down around my ankles and consciousness fading in and out. This is where I live when I’m alone. My mind takes me back to that day. My body follows and my sense of self starts to disappear.
The AfterMETH
So I’m embarking on a journey of self realizing shit. I ordered Mastin Kipp’s “Claim Your Power: A 40-Day Journey to Dissolve the Hidden Blocks That Keep You Stuck and Finally Thrive in Your Life’s Unique Purpose”. It’s basically a 40 day self discovery class. I’m only on day 8 and a big part of what he talks about is how our past traumas are the things that get in our way of truly living our purpose. “Hell yeah”, I thought to myself. I definitely have some past shit that has defined who I am today. As I’m working through the pages of Mastin Kipp’s book I start to see. I start to see how much pain I’ve been living in. I start to see where it all began. It’s becoming so clear. It’s wild, why haven’t I sat down and dealt with any of this? Maybe because I always felt that it was too painful to revisit? Oh, I almost forgot, I’ve been drunk ever since.
Stop, Put Down Your Phone and Be Afraid.
Stop, put down your phone and be afraid.
Something happened to me the other day. Something clicked. I felt release. I released something that has been holding me down. I realize me stressing about it and worrying about it was giving it power. I was letting it win; win my life. I want to take my life back. I'm in control of my life. I'm in control of my thoughts. I'm in control of how I react in certain situations and I get to decide what makes me happy.
Fuck the Invisible Divide Between Us.
Where does this invisible competition come from?
This competition I feel everyday.
The thing that got me thinking was this invisible rule that woman are competing. We are competing to be the skinniest, prettiest, smartest, most confident; best mom, best chef, and do it all with a smile.
What really got me thinking was how jealous I'd get when a girl was getting more attention than me from guys. I'd almost ALWAYS start trying to find things wrong with her. I'd say things to myself like, "Look how drunk she is, or she's wearing too much make up, or she looks like a slut and that's why guys want her." It's crazy, I would think these things about other girls while not realizing that I was in fact DRUNK, wearing too much make up and dressed like a slut. Like HELLO MOLLY look in the fucking mirror.
Story Time: To Ride or Die in Pai.
A lot of you know that I traveled to Southeast Asia a couple years ago. I'd like to start by saying Southeast Asia is one of the most magical and whimsical places that I have ever been. I had always dreamt of places like it; I never knew such beauty existed.
With that said, it is another place that is heaven for a girl like me. The party NEVER stops.
Especially in Thailand.
Unapologetically Molly With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
My friend once told me, that what she liked about me was that I was so, "Unapologetically Molly".
At first this made me feel good about myself. Then I thought about all the times I had hung out with her. I was usually shit faced drunk, doing cocaine and hitting on every guy I thought was hot. "This was me covered in my blanket of confidence", I thought to myself. This was me in my I don't give a fuck, black out drunk and carefree state of mind. Then I thought about it a little longer and realized she was talking about the Molly that would drink everyday. So then I found myself missing Yllom (my drunk alternate self) because SHE is who everybody misses and loves. Then I started to think about it and ask myself, "What does she mean by unapologetically Molly?"