Fuck the Invisible Divide Between Us.
Where does this invisible competition come from?
This competition I feel everyday.
The thing that got me thinking was this invisible rule that woman are competing. We are competing to be the skinniest, prettiest, smartest, most confident; best mom, best chef, and do it all with a smile.
What really got me thinking was how jealous I'd get when a girl was getting more attention than me from guys. I'd almost ALWAYS start trying to find things wrong with her. I'd say things to myself like, "Look how drunk she is, or she's wearing too much make up, or she looks like a slut and that's why guys want her." It's crazy, I would think these things about other girls while not realizing that I was in fact DRUNK, wearing too much make up and dressed like a slut. Like HELLO MOLLY look in the fucking mirror.
I started thinking about all of this because I was thinking how IN LOVE with women I am these days. Not in a romantic way or anything, but a spiritual/sister like connection. Before I had Joey I'd walk down the street and I would never make eye contact with girls, hardly ever. Now when I'm pushing Joey in her stroller, girls stop me all the time and say hello to me. We make eye contact and there's this unspoken camaraderie between us. I thought, "Wow this has to be true because I now have a baby and I'm no longer a 'threat' to other woman."
Again there goes that self talk about invisible competition.
But guess what? Even when I don't have Joey, and I'm walking down the street by MYSELF, I'm still making eye contact with girls and saying hey and we acknowledge and smile at each other. So maybe it's not the fact that I have a baby. Maybe MY view on woman and myself have changed. Since having a baby, I find myself NEEDING women more than ever. They get me. They understand what I'm going through and the struggles it takes the be a woman. I've set my wall aside and I'm letting woman in!
Maybe it's this #MeToo movement going on. Maybe we're all finally realizing that we all go through the same shit. We all get harassed all hours of the day, we are all expected to be pretty and quiet; and we all are expected to be A GOOD GIRL.
I don't know about you ladies, but I am not a good girl. I found myself talking shit about other girls that I considered not "good girls". What was I doing? I think I was talking shit because I saw MYSELF in those girls. I saw my guilt and shame painted on their faces.
What I've come to realize is we are in this TOGETHER! I did the very thing that was done to me.
Slut shaming.
Slut shaming has to be the fall of women in our society. It's men and women coming together to put down a girl for expressing herself, for being hurt, or for simply enjoying sex outside of a relationship.
You know what's even worse? Victim blaming. What I'm talking about is when a woman is attacked or roofied at a bar for example. The questions that usually follow are, "Who was she with? What was she wearing? How much had she been drinking?" You see what all of these questions have in common right? SHE. What was SHE doing? So women are forced to walk at night with their keys in-between their fingers, pepper spray on a keychain and make sure to not dress too provocative because that will be inviting the wrong kind of attention. I hate this, but it is a sad truth.
What about the abusers? The people who drug women and rape women. What about holding them accountable? Where are these people coming from? Who wakes up one day and decides that they're going to go to a bar tonight and put a drug in someones drink and then have sex with an unconscious body? Or what about the man that verbally and emotionally abuses his wife or girlfriend to keep her quiet and to keep her under his control. WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE COMING FROM?
Maybe we need to take a more preventative approach. I'm sick if these invisible divides.
Maybe we need to teach young boys and young girls that they are lovable. That they are loved by their family, their peers and their superiors. Because that's where the change happens. I think when someone doesn't get the love and belonging that they so need and deserve, they adopt behavior to get what they want. They use manipulation and force to hold someone down and to make them love them.
I also think it's important to teach kids about healthy boundaries. They are NOT the center of the universe and the world does not revolve around them. They are part of this world. They are connected to each and every thing. They are part of the WE. What they do and how they treat the people and the world around them, affects everyone and everything. We all need to see the bigger picture. We are in this together. There is no us and them. It's always been WE.
Only then will you be able to see that the hurt you cause others is your hurt too. Your pain is our pain. The world is here to shower you with love and abundance. The more you look down and hide from it, you'll never truly see it.
I feel this is one of our biggest challenges. Getting out of our own heads and looking up from our own feet. If you look up you'll see that you're friends and family need you. They need you to see them. When you see them, they'll see you. When we start listening and actually giving a shit about what each other feels and acknowledge the real pain we all feel each day, then maybe our lost boys can stop raping our woman. Then maybe our woman can stop belittling their men for sharing their feelings.
Then maybe real change can happen. It starts small. Small steps. Not huge elaborate strides, but small uninteresting things. Like listening, hugging, eye contact, putting your phone away and looking around you, or to stop and smell the fucking roses.
Change starts small. It starts from within.
Forgiveness comes to mind next. Maybe forgiveness is my first step. I need to forgive myself and see that I am a perfectly, imperfect human. When I see this in myself I start to notice what's around me. I start to see others as perfectly, imperfect and how interesting it all is. I start to see that we aren't so different and that makes me feel not so alone.
I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by people that love me. I'm surrounded by so much beauty. We all know what comes with beautiful moments? Yup you guessed it. Life is also filled with shitty things. I ALWAYS come to this conclusion; we are all beautiful and we all do shitty things. But there's that big picture I was talking about. THE WE. WE are beautiful and WE do shitty things. Not HE or SHE does shitty things, but WE do shitty things.
Sorry I got a little side tracked.
We can't keep looking at abusers as monsters and victims as sluts. You know what they both have in common? Humanity. They are both human and both have hearts and wants and needs and the want TO BELONG. To feel whole. To feel that they are enough.
There is some powerful shit at work here. Woman are becoming stronger. We are banding together and creating a love fortress. A love fortress for all of us to feel safe and validated. For all of us "sluts" to feel okay in our decisions and OUR bodies. To help one another if they are hurt and that is why they are acting out. To address sexual harassment and abuse. To truly SEE each other and the hurt we face each day.
And you know what else is becoming more readily available? Therapy. Therapy for abusers AND therapy for victims. To talk things out with someone that is just there to listen and to maybe give you some helpful advice. This is one of the most powerful things; to be heard and to be listened to. We can do this for our friends and our families. We can sit with our loved ones pain and not try to fix it. Let it be heard. Let it be seen. Let them cry and have it be okay to cry. Let pain happen, because running from pain only creates more of it.
We are women. The glue to our families. We are deserving of our time, our wants and our dreams. We are mama bears. We protect our cubs and make sure they're safe. We have to treat each other like our cubs and keep each other safe. Because out there in the wild, it is a fucking dark forest.
We are men. Strong and sensitive. We are deserving of true belonging. We are allowed to share our feelings and not be considered weak. We can cry because we feel too. We are also the glue that holds families together. We protect our cubs and mama bears and make sure they're safe. We also have to be brave in wild. It's a dark and foreign place for all of us.
It's up to us to hold our lights and help illuminate each others paths.
We are men and woman; both strong and weak. We are men and woman; we both get to speak. We are men and woman. We are all power, love and joy. We are all deserving of being seen. We are all enough in who we are. I love you ladies and gentlemen.
WOMAN and MAN ON.