addiction

Why Couldn’t I Have Just Kept My Fucking Legs Closed for Once?

Why Couldn’t I Have Just Kept My Fucking Legs Closed for Once?

He has me bent over the guardrail and he’s railing me from behind. I don’t know his name. Well, he told me his name but I forgot it seconds after he told me. The only thing I know about him is that he’s from Italy. He’s about 6’4, has dark hair and he’s attractive enough to be sleeping with after only an hour of drunk conversation. We’re on a two day ferry ride from Manila to Coron in the Philippines. The boat is huge. It holds hundreds of passengers and has plenty of bunk beds for all the passengers to sleep. I spent most of the boat ride drinking too much rum and chasing it down with cheap beer.

This is my beautiful life.  I hate it sometimes, but it’s mine and I’m going to keep it. 

This is my beautiful life.  I hate it sometimes, but it’s mine and I’m going to keep it. 

I wanted to go back. I wanted to touch the grass where everything started to go to shit. That night when the air was so thick with fog, I could feel the dampness of the air in my lungs. That night I left myself there on the sun bleached grass that pricked my skin like little needles. The night I got lost forever. 

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Drugged, Raped and Blamed Is the Name of the Game.

This was the night I lost my childlike view of the world.  This is the night I lost faith in others.  This is what sparked my hatred for men.  This is the night I first tried "alcohol" and this is the night I lost my virginity.  This is where my mess all began.  So if my mess is my message, then this is where my purpose lives.           

You know what's fucked up?  I think about this.  I think about this situation everytime I’m sober and alone.  When there is nowhere left for me to hide; I am here.  I am pressed up against the chain link fence, bra exposed, jeans pulled down around my ankles and consciousness fading in and out.  This is where I live when I’m alone.  My mind takes me back to that day.  My body follows and my sense of self starts to disappear.  

The AfterMETH

The AfterMETH

So I’m embarking on a journey of self realizing shit.  I ordered Mastin Kipp’s “Claim Your Power: A 40-Day Journey to Dissolve the Hidden Blocks That Keep You Stuck and Finally Thrive in Your Life’s Unique Purpose”.  It’s basically a 40 day self discovery class.  I’m only on day 8 and a big part of what he talks about is how our past traumas are the things that get in our way of truly living our purpose.  “Hell yeah”, I thought to myself.  I definitely have some past shit that has defined who I am today.  As I’m working through the pages of Mastin Kipp’s book I start to see.  I start to see how much pain I’ve been living in.  I start to see where it all began.  It’s becoming so clear.  It’s wild, why haven’t I sat down and dealt with any of this?  Maybe because I always felt that it was too painful to revisit?  Oh, I almost forgot, I’ve been drunk ever since.

Stop, Put Down Your Phone and Be Afraid.

Stop, Put Down Your Phone and Be Afraid.

Stop, put down your phone and be afraid.

Something happened to me the other day.  Something clicked.  I felt release.  I released something that has been holding me down.  I realize me stressing about it and worrying about it was giving it power.  I was letting it win; win my life.  I want to take my life back.  I'm in control of my life.  I'm in control of my thoughts.  I'm in control of how I react in certain situations and I get to decide what makes me happy.  

Story Time: Mind Expanding Drugs With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Story Time: Mind Expanding Drugs With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

It's frustrating reliving the past because I don't remember a lot of it.  There are so many lost minutes, hours, weeks and months.  Where was I?  What was I doing? Who was that person?

It started off feeling so mind expanding.  

Each time I took drugs like mushrooms, acid or ecstasy I felt such a deep connection to myself, to the people around me and to the earth as a whole.  As I look back at my life these past 15 years, I realize that I was chasing how I felt those first few times I took drugs.

Unapologetically Molly With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Unapologetically Molly With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

My friend once told me, that what she liked about me was that I was so, "Unapologetically Molly".

At first this made me feel good about myself.  Then I thought about all the times I had hung out with her.  I was usually shit faced drunk, doing cocaine and hitting on every guy I thought was hot.  "This was me covered in my blanket of confidence", I thought to myself.  This was me in my I don't give a fuck, black out drunk and carefree state of mind.  Then I thought about it a little longer and realized she was talking about the Molly that would drink everyday.  So then I found myself missing Yllom (my drunk alternate self) because SHE is who everybody misses and loves.  Then I started to think about it and ask myself, "What does she mean by unapologetically Molly?"  

Story Time: My Daily Numbing With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Story Time:  My Daily Numbing With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

I want to re-create/re-live my day to day morning routine when I was at my lowest point. Now that I'm sober, I can vividly remember this routine. I feel like I'm watching a movie about someone else's life. This can't be me. I wasn't THAT bad. But I'm realizing when you're in the thick of your numbing you can't see clearly. No one could've convinced me that I had a drug and alcohol problem. In my mind I'd say, "I don't drink EVERY day. I take a couple days off here and there. GEZ everyone needs to CHILL and let me do my thing."  I try not to judge myself too much. But when I look back at the things I've done, I can't help but feel ashamed. I guess this is part of the healing process. Re-visiting your mistakes and the people you've wronged. It's painful, it's hard, but finally it's something REAL!