Story Time: Mind Expanding Drugs With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy

Story Time: Mind Expanding Drugs.

It's frustrating reliving the past because I don't remember a lot of it. There are so many lost minutes, hours, weeks and months. Where was I? What was I doing? Who was that person?

It started off feeling so mind expanding.  

Each time I took drugs like mushrooms, acid or ecstasy I felt such a deep connection to myself, to the people around me and to the earth as a whole. As I look back at my life these past 15 years, I realize that I was chasing how I felt those first few times I took drugs.

We are all searching for the answer to life's biggest question: What's my purpose? The times I was on drugs I felt closer to my answer. I felt strong, all knowing and I felt they helped me stay in the NOW. 

I felt my purpose was to be admired.  To be looked at with envy.  I'd put on make up, wear a cool outfit and slap a huge smile on my face.  I'd prance around from bar to bar hitting on each guy I thought was cute.  I loved flirting.  Flirting made me feel so special.  I felt approval and love from total strangers.  This is what I thought connection was.

I loved dancing.  I'm not very good, but I still enjoy it.  Without liquid courage I feel stiff and embarrassed of how my body moves.  But while I'm drunk I take on a persona of Beyonce (in my mind, duh).  I walk right up to any hot guy and start grinding on him.  Eventually making out with him, then moving on to the next guy.  Unless he has drugs, then we're friends for life.  Because with drugs came self confidence, with confidence came fitting in, and with fitting in came belonging; with belonging came connection.  

My connection to the earth and what I thought was love turned into nights spent using drugs.  I only associated with other people who shared my love for drugs.  Anyone else was closed minded in my mind.  They didn't understand the deep connection I felt with Mother Earth and myself.  My mind felt like it widened every line of cocaine, every shot of liquor, every tab of acid.  I felt so included and part of something bigger than myself.  Then it hit me.  The last few times I used "mind expanding drugs", I felt my world start to shrink.  The faces around me weren't as beautiful as I once saw.  Everything felt dark and lonely.  No matter how many drugs I'd take, the darkness only got darker.  

I found myself retreating inward each time I got fucked up.  I'd yell at the people I love and tell them they're worthless.  I told beautiful people that they weren't beautiful.  I wanted to take their beauty, because I didn't know were mine had went.  

Story time!

A couple summers ago I returned from my adventure in Southeast Asia. I had grown so used to having no set schedule. Being able to do whatever I wanted and have no real set plans.  Living day to day became my way.  I struggled with the thought of having to be a waitress again.  I tried it, for literally a couple shifts and said FUCK THIS.  I can't stay put.  I can't be a machine again, slap a fake smile on my face and tell people to stuff their faces till they can't walk.

So I reached out to a guy I had met while traveling.  He owned a food truck and had told me to come work for him in the summer.  I messaged him, flew to Colorado and BAM I worked on a food truck and traveled across the US working at different music festivals for a couple months.  This was definitely the begging of the end of my partying.

I look back at it now and realize I wasn't ready for a job because I wasn't ready to give up my drug and alcohol binging.  Music festivals are a perfect place for a girl like me.  They're overflowing with any drug I wanted!  I had even been given mushrooms as a tip one day working the register on the food truck.  I drank so much liquor and did so much cocaine, I couldn't even feel their effects anymore.  Needless to say, things were starting to get out of hand.  I was loosing control of my mind.  

I was most excited for Electric Forest; a music festival in Rothbury, Michigan.  This festival is HUGE.  The forest becomes it's own little world.  Lights, sculptures, structures and stages hidden in the trees.  It was breathtaking.  A little world built into the forest.  Beautiful guys and girls running around in crazy costumes and most importantly there were DRUGS EVERYWHERE. 

Heres a picture so you can have a visual.

I requested to take this specific night off to see Major Lazor.  I remember my shift ended and I ran back to our RV to get ready for the night.  I changed into a cool outfit and popped the tab of acid I had been saving for this night. 

I went and saw Major Lazor and felt a little stiff.  I was trying to dance and enjoy the music, but realized that I wasn't feeling the acid yet.  So I did what any responsible party girl would do and asked a stranger for some more.  I didn't have to look far.  In fact the guy standing directly to my right had some and was more than willing to share.  

I remember taking the dose and skipping off into the forest.  I ran into some friends and joined them on their adventure.  FINALLY the acid started to kick it. I know it's kicking in when I feel butterflies in my stomach.  For me, this feeling of anxiety starts from my feet and makes it way up my back and to the top of my head.  Lights start getting brighter and I start hearing sounds that I never pay attention to.  Like my feet hitting the ground or my legs rubbing together.  This is when I tell myself, "Buckle up, it's happening."

There was a comedy stage set up and I decided to stop and watch.  It was hilarious! I remember laughing my ass off for what felt like hours.  I look at my phone and turns out it had only been a few minutes.  There is no time while on acid.  There is no set reality.  Life's little details start becoming more vivid. Everything starts looking and feeling more beautiful.  My hands always get super sweaty and I feel like my whole body is wet.  I feel a sense of euphoria wash over my body.  Things are going good at this point.  

We continue on our adventure through the forest.  There was a huge Buddha like sculpture in the middle of the main walkway.  I remember a light shining through it's eyes directly into my soul.  It was at this point I started to feel a little weird.  I felt myself question myself, if that makes sense.  I remember looking down at my body and thinking, "Who is this?"

I shrugged it off and kept skipping.  I remember trying to hold a few conversations with people, but I couldn't get my bearings.  Conversations felt stiff and impersonal to me.  I felt like I had nothing to say! I was trying to fit in and belong, but I couldn't fake it.  Nothing was working.  So I made the hard decision and decided to wonder off by myself.  

It was at this point the forest started to feel small.  I felt like the trees were too close together and I felt lost.  I felt everyone was looking at me.  My heart started to race a little faster and I finally found my way out.  I remember the cool air hitting my skin as I stepped out of the forest. I look up at the sky and take a deep breath, thinking this would help cool my anxiety.  However, it can be hard to run from your true feelings while high on drugs.   

I felt like the endless sky was closing in on me.  I felt the mountains and trees around me were too close.  I felt trapped.  I felt completely disassociated from myself.  Then all these horrible questions kept appearing in my mind: "How the hell did I get here? Who the fuck am I? What the hell am I doing?"

Then it happened.  The words appeared like flashing lights; I HATE MYSELF, I HATE YOU ALL.  These are not good things to feel while tripping on acid.

I felt no way out.  I started to accept that maybe my purpose was to flounder.  To stay in this darkness and learn to be a shadow.  Blend in with my fellow party goers and try to find my next fix.  I remember dancing the night away.  I had to keep dancing to stop my body from shaking. I  had to keep dancing to keep my mind a little more quiet because as soon as I laid down my mind wouldn't stop.  Those questions kept appearing.  "Who the fuck am I? What the hell am I doing?"

I tried doing more cocaine to sober up.  I tried drinking liquor to feel drunk, hoping to silence the voices. It didn't work.  I finally forced myself to lay down. I didn't sleep at all that night.  I had the song "Light" by Odesza playing on repeat.  It was the only thing helping me feel safe.

This was one of my last festivals working on the food truck.  I got super drunk one night and got into a terrible argument with my boss and was kicked off the food truck.  

When I look back at this "bad" acid trip, I can see so clearly.  I feel I can now assess what happened.  What I think happened was my subconscious mind had some powerful awareness at play.  My heart was trying to speak to me.  My mind showed me visually and physically what was really going on deep inside of myself.  It was showing me my reality.  My reality was, that I was in fact, floundering.  I was trying to blend in with my fellow party goers and trying to find my next fix.  Those where my goals, my life. I was using A LOT of drugs EVERY FUCKING DAY. My soul and my heart were dark and cold places.  They were lonely because there was no ME to keep them warm and safe.  I had lost sight of my true self and I had no idea who ME was.   

I want to cry writing about this.  I still remember the loneliness and anxiety I felt everyday while high. I still feel lonely sometimes and have anxiety, but it's for real things.  Like my daughter, my future, my family and my well being. 

A big part of me is thankful for this experience.  It was such a dark place that it feels easy to not want to go back.

Shortly after this experience, it happened.  I got pregnant.  But this is a story for another day.

It's been well over a year since I've used drugs.  The clarity finally happened.  It started when I was driving a couple months ago and I noticed everything was so colorful.  I looked around the city I grew up in and realized I hadn't seen it in years. I noticed how beautiful and absolutely amazing it is here.  I looked up at the sun in the sky and felt the most joy I think I've ever felt.  I was alive.  I AM ALIVE.  I am here.  I am now.  I have my baby in the back seat laughing to herself looking out the window at her home.  She loves it.  I love it.  

Then a few days later I was watching emotional Facebook videos.  My daughter was asleep next to me on the couch and I just started bawling.  I couldn't believe how much emotion I was feeling for these random people in these Facebook videos.  I told myself, Molly just let yourself feel this.  Let yourself cry.  Sit with yourself and it's okay to cry alone.  I felt the world again.  I felt the beauty in people and myself.  I felt alive.  This is being alive.  Feeling the pain, seeing the color and loving each shitty, beautiful moment.  

I can't believe I tried hiding from this for so long.  I can't believe I was so afraid to let myself feel.  

So here I am, still figuring out my purpose.  Now I'm more excited than ever.  Finding it through sober eyes.  Scared, lonely and afraid still, but sober. I get to feel this way.  I'm so proud of myself.  

Now everyday I wake up and make sure I give myself a big hug and say, "I love you self, you are enough."