Feeling No Longer Dirty at 30 With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
I want to start off by saying that I can't stop crying. I did it. I'm 30 years old. I've had a baby, I've finally figured out why I've been using drugs and treating myself and others the way I have for the past 15 years, and I faced the moment in my life that changed everything. I had been refusing to think about, talk about or relive it since it happened.
The AfterMETH
So I’m embarking on a journey of self realizing shit. I ordered Mastin Kipp’s “Claim Your Power: A 40-Day Journey to Dissolve the Hidden Blocks That Keep You Stuck and Finally Thrive in Your Life’s Unique Purpose”. It’s basically a 40 day self discovery class. I’m only on day 8 and a big part of what he talks about is how our past traumas are the things that get in our way of truly living our purpose. “Hell yeah”, I thought to myself. I definitely have some past shit that has defined who I am today. As I’m working through the pages of Mastin Kipp’s book I start to see. I start to see how much pain I’ve been living in. I start to see where it all began. It’s becoming so clear. It’s wild, why haven’t I sat down and dealt with any of this? Maybe because I always felt that it was too painful to revisit? Oh, I almost forgot, I’ve been drunk ever since.
Story Time: To Ride or Die in Pai.
A lot of you know that I traveled to Southeast Asia a couple years ago. I'd like to start by saying Southeast Asia is one of the most magical and whimsical places that I have ever been. I had always dreamt of places like it; I never knew such beauty existed.
With that said, it is another place that is heaven for a girl like me. The party NEVER stops.
Especially in Thailand.
Story Time: Mind Expanding Drugs With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
It's frustrating reliving the past because I don't remember a lot of it. There are so many lost minutes, hours, weeks and months. Where was I? What was I doing? Who was that person?
It started off feeling so mind expanding.
Each time I took drugs like mushrooms, acid or ecstasy I felt such a deep connection to myself, to the people around me and to the earth as a whole. As I look back at my life these past 15 years, I realize that I was chasing how I felt those first few times I took drugs.
Unapologetically Molly With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
My friend once told me, that what she liked about me was that I was so, "Unapologetically Molly".
At first this made me feel good about myself. Then I thought about all the times I had hung out with her. I was usually shit faced drunk, doing cocaine and hitting on every guy I thought was hot. "This was me covered in my blanket of confidence", I thought to myself. This was me in my I don't give a fuck, black out drunk and carefree state of mind. Then I thought about it a little longer and realized she was talking about the Molly that would drink everyday. So then I found myself missing Yllom (my drunk alternate self) because SHE is who everybody misses and loves. Then I started to think about it and ask myself, "What does she mean by unapologetically Molly?"
Story Time: My Daily Numbing With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
I want to re-create/re-live my day to day morning routine when I was at my lowest point. Now that I'm sober, I can vividly remember this routine. I feel like I'm watching a movie about someone else's life. This can't be me. I wasn't THAT bad. But I'm realizing when you're in the thick of your numbing you can't see clearly. No one could've convinced me that I had a drug and alcohol problem. In my mind I'd say, "I don't drink EVERY day. I take a couple days off here and there. GEZ everyone needs to CHILL and let me do my thing." I try not to judge myself too much. But when I look back at the things I've done, I can't help but feel ashamed. I guess this is part of the healing process. Re-visiting your mistakes and the people you've wronged. It's painful, it's hard, but finally it's something REAL!
What Does It Mean To Embrace A Beautiful, Shitty Life? With VibeWithMolly / VibeWithMommy
What does it mean to embrace a beautiful, shitty life?
I figured out that life is made up of beautiful and equally shitty moments. It's crazy, one moment I could literally feel SO good. I mean NOTHING can get me down. I'm walking taller, I feel solid in my foot steps and not a care in the world. Then, like a switch, I find myself feeling scared. I start to ask myself questions like, "Why are you so happy? What makes you so special? You live with your mom and you're a single mother." Then as quickly as it came, my smile is gone. This beautiful moment has now been replaced with the most shitty feeling.
New Years Revelation
I've never trusted myself to make New Years resolutions. I think it's because I could never think of something I wanted to accomplish. This year is different. I guess you could say I had a REVELATION. I want to write more. I love writing. I want to be vulnerable and put my writing out there. I love writing about how I feel. I like how it FEELS to write about how I FEEL.
2017 was a tough year for me. I started reading other peoples stories and how they overcame their hardships and what led them to finding the help they needed. This really helped steer me in the right direction. Without the words of total strangers, I would've felt so alone. I think sharing our experiences is therapeutic. Not only for ourselves, but it could help a total stranger through a tough time.