trauma survivor

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I should've known the second I woke up with half my head of hair missing.  

Tufts of locks blowing around the room like little tumbleweeds that you see in old western movies before the shootout scene commences.  I should’ve known this fuck up was warning me of the hard years ahead. “Run away”, the wind whispers, “Run away as fast as you can and never look back.”  The reality of what happened sinks in. I look in the mirror and I swear I look like Gollum from "Lord of the Rings”. As I looked in the mirror, at this stranger, I couldn’t remember a goddamn thing.  My mind starts racing.   “What the fuck happened?  Why did I do this to myself?”  I would later learn that, in a blackout rage, I had what some would call a mental breakdown.

Story Time: No Rabies, No STDs and No Broken Bones

Story Time: No Rabies, No STDs and No Broken Bones

The waves.  I can hear the faint sounds of waves crashing close by.  I feel the early morning dawn on my skin. I start licking my lips and I can feel sand crunch between my teeth.  There is something next to me. I can feel the warmth of someone next to me.  My mouth is so dry.  My head is pounding. I feel so disoriented. 

This is my beautiful life.  I hate it sometimes, but it’s mine and I’m going to keep it. 

This is my beautiful life.  I hate it sometimes, but it’s mine and I’m going to keep it. 

I wanted to go back. I wanted to touch the grass where everything started to go to shit. That night when the air was so thick with fog, I could feel the dampness of the air in my lungs. That night I left myself there on the sun bleached grass that pricked my skin like little needles. The night I got lost forever. 

The Dirt, the Grime, the Heart Ache, the Not Knowing, the Horror, the Angst, the Fear, It's All so Beautiful.

The Dirt, the Grime, the Heart Ache, the Not Knowing, the Horror, the Angst, the Fear, It's All so Beautiful.

Hello this is Officer.... that is all I hear.  

My vision shrinks to the size of a pinhole.  The sound that comes after sounds like a muffled horn.  I can’t feel my body, time slows down; it’s almost as if time doesn’t exist.  I'm standing on an empty highway, the air is thick with dew and fog, red and blue lights flashing in my peripheral.  In front of me there are two mangled cars. I'm surrounded by police officers; I can't hear anything anyone’s saying.   All I can feel is my heart thumping in my chest, filling my ears with such loud thuds it's almost nauseating. I feel condensation start to form on my palms from all the anxiety filling my chest.