Why Couldn’t I Have Just Kept My Fucking Legs Closed for Once?

Why Couldn’t I Have Just Kept My Fucking Legs Closed for Once?

He has me bent over the guardrail and he’s railing me from behind. I don’t know his name. Well, he told me his name but I forgot it seconds after he told me. The only thing I know about him is that he’s from Italy. He’s about 6’4, has dark hair and he’s attractive enough to be sleeping with after only an hour of drunk conversation. We’re on a two day ferry ride from Manila to Coron in the Philippines. The boat is huge. It holds hundreds of passengers and has plenty of bunk beds for all the passengers to sleep. I spent most of the boat ride drinking too much rum and chasing it down with cheap beer.

OM No, Another #MeToo

OM No, Another #MeToo

I woke up in the middle of the night to someone having sex with me. I felt so disoriented and for a moment I had forgotten where I was and who I was with. I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move. I thought maybe I was dreaming.

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I Should've Known the Second I Woke up With Half My Head of Hair Missing

I should've known the second I woke up with half my head of hair missing.  

Tufts of locks blowing around the room like little tumbleweeds that you see in old western movies before the shootout scene commences.  I should’ve known this fuck up was warning me of the hard years ahead. “Run away”, the wind whispers, “Run away as fast as you can and never look back.”  The reality of what happened sinks in. I look in the mirror and I swear I look like Gollum from "Lord of the Rings”. As I looked in the mirror, at this stranger, I couldn’t remember a goddamn thing.  My mind starts racing.   “What the fuck happened?  Why did I do this to myself?”  I would later learn that, in a blackout rage, I had what some would call a mental breakdown.

Story Time: The Party Girl, the Slut, the "Free Spirit"

Story Time: The Party Girl, the Slut, the "Free Spirit"

Here I am.  Swaying side to side.  On to my next big excursion.  I have a fifth of vodka in one hand and a beer in the other.  I’m wearing my favorite crocheted rainbow crop top. It ties around the neck and frames my breasts perfectly.  I don’t need a bra because I haven’t had any children yet and my breasts are still small and perky. My stomach is flat as a board, my curls are blowing in the wind and I have not a care in the world.  I’m sitting at the front of the boat with my friend Parker. He’s dutch, has brown puppy eyes, shaggy hair and a huge dick.

Fill Myspace with Meaningless Sex

Fill Myspace with Meaningless Sex

I was so nervous to meet Nick.  It took me hours to get ready. I was super insecure about my body.  I thought my breasts were too small. I thought my hair was ugly. I hated my hands and my big toes.  I wanted to cover everything up with make-up, a tight fitted dress and a long fitted coat. I even wore a hat and a wig to cover my short curly hair.  I tried everything to appear older than a 15 year old teenage girl.

Story Time: No Rabies, No STDs and No Broken Bones

Story Time: No Rabies, No STDs and No Broken Bones

The waves.  I can hear the faint sounds of waves crashing close by.  I feel the early morning dawn on my skin. I start licking my lips and I can feel sand crunch between my teeth.  There is something next to me. I can feel the warmth of someone next to me.  My mouth is so dry.  My head is pounding. I feel so disoriented. 

Where the Fuck Is That Guy with the Drugs? 

Where the Fuck Is That Guy with the Drugs? 

I’m feeling the way I always do when I’m out and about doing drugs and drinking alcohol.  I’m swaying back and forth. I’m feeling awkward because that last line of cocaine I did is starting to wear off and there’s no more alcohol in the house.  “I need something,” I think to myself.  Where the fuck is that guy with more coke?  He said he’d be back soon with more drugs. My heart is beating with the music, fast and upbeat.  I look around the party and there’s all sorts of colorful people.  There’s a girl with red hair, a black guy with no lenses in his glasses, and a tall skinny awkward guy trying to dance.  I’m trying to enjoy myself, like I always do, but something doesn’t feel right. I feel this gnawing in my stomach. I need more drugs.  That’s it, I just need more drugs.  Where the fuck is that guy with the drugs?